This summer, a friend and I were discussing relationships. She has been dating a man for over a year, but just recently moved to live in the same town as him—their entire relationship up to this point had been long-distance. I asked her if she thought they would get married soon, and she replied, “Engaged, maybe soon. But we just watched our first movie together the other night because we’ve never even lived in the same town!” I was struck by the rationale behind her statement, but then she continued. “I would love to marry him someday, but I don’t want to throw away dating just to get engaged. I had to fall in love with being single before I started dating, and I want to fall in love with dating so that we can move forward when it’s time, not just because we want to jump to the next thing.” What great wisdom!
I saw a post on Instagram just a few weeks after that conversation and it included a picture of a young couple and a caption something to the effect of “Less than….days until I no longer have to refer to him as my fiancé.” The caption kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I’m sure the young woman didn’t mean for it to sound negative—it was a joyful post after all—but I couldn’t get past the wording. “Have to”? I immediately thought back to the conversation I had with my friend, and my heart hurt a little bit, thinking that this post was portraying the discarding of a vocation. I wondered if, one day, this woman would look back on her engagement and long to have these simpler days back.
It's so easy to be constantly looking ahead to the next thing. I get it. I graduate college in less than six months, and I spend more time thinking about the future (career-wise and vocation-wise) than I care to admit. There also seems to be greater pressure in the Catholic world to marry young and start a family, and this mentality, though stemming from a beautiful desire for vocation and new life, can create within the hearts of the faithful this sense of dissatisfaction with every stage of life. Single? Can’t wait to meet someone to date. Dating? Can’t wait to get engaged. Engaged? Can’t wait to get married. Married? Can’t wait to have kids. Have kids? Ah, remember those single days!
I’m afraid we’ve created a space that makes it easy for someone to dispose of their current vocation because it’s seen as an obstacle in the way of the next step of their lives. As in, dating is a hoop to jump through so that you can get engaged eventually. But how do we fall in love with, rather than resent, our current state of life? Making an effort to remain in the present moment seems to be such a cliché answer, but it’s so true!
I spent the first 21 years of my life as a single woman, and there were so many times that I fell into despair within my vocation because I desired more than what I was given. I had to teach myself to be grateful for the time I had to myself—I got to travel the world and cultivate beautiful friendships with some incredible women and men. I was very grateful for the season I was living in, and because I was grateful and making an effort to remain present in my singleness, I was able to fall in love with that vocation. I recognized that I probably wouldn’t always be single, and those days were a gift. But when I started dating someone at the end of my junior year of college, the pressure to move forward seemed to appear immediately. A year later I would be graduating and needing to find a job, so what did that mean for us and our relationship? I found myself wanting to trade dating in for engagement just for the security I thought it might bring when looking forward to the future. Wrong mentality.
I’m learning to be so grateful for the little things we get to do together, and I am able to recognize that this time for us—just like any season—is meant as a time of preparation. A time to live in the present but to be prepared and purified for what’s to come.
We are gifted with a vocation to be sanctified. We are given this time to grow in selflessness, generosity, holiness, and love for our Lord. Through our vocations, the Lord is drawing us to Himself because ultimately, our vocation is preparing us to spend eternity with Him in Heaven.
What season of life are you in? Are you constantly looking to the future with a grasping impatience? Are you looking to the future with great fear? Are you wallowing in the vocation you’re in? Ask the Lord for a grateful heart—one that rejoices in its current state of life and looks to the future with great hope and trust in the Lord.