When I originally titled my blog “Fearless Adventuring,” I desired to live life fearlessly and share the adventures with all of you, the readers. I would say that I was pretty successful in doing so. Did I live life completely fearlessly? No. But did I let the darkness of fear overcome me? No. I remember walking through a dark alley in Dublin, Ireland, following a guy who smelled of marijuana to get to an AirBnb my friends and I had booked for one night. I remember the temptations to be fearful and panic in the midst of this sketchy situation, but I pressed on, trusting that nothing bad would happen to us. Another time, we were locked out of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati’s villa in freezing rain with nowhere else to stay, no taxis to take us back to town, and our only point of contact was someone who spoke almost no English. We were fine in both situations, and plenty of similar occasions have taken place in the past few years, but in all of them I felt the freedom to breathe, let go, and trust that everything would be okay.
The unpredictability of daily life in Rome two years ago taught me well how to relinquish control and simply trust, and this was put to the test when I unexpectedly signed up for a missionary adventure as a student at Mary College at Arizona State University last spring; however, at some point during the past year, I seemed to have lost that fearless disposition. I’ve wound up holding onto desires, people, and things that aren’t mine and living in absolute fear that one day I won’t have them anymore.
Something I’ve been learning is that fear can take hold of us in a way that suffocates us and makes us want to do the illogical. Different people have different responses to fear and pain. I like to run away in response to terrifying emotional situations, which is interesting considering I don’t run away from potentially dangerous physical situations. But I’ve learned, over and over, that distancing myself emotionally (running away) when things get scary, doesn’t actually do me any good. In fact, it only ends up hurting more in the long run. But when there exists so much fear that stems from wounds and control issues, there seems to be this tendency to do things that make no sense at all.
St. John wrote something in a letter that I have surely heard numerous times, but was struck by it in a particular way at Mass about a month ago:
There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. We love because He first loved us.
-1 John 4:18-19
There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear. Huh. In living the past several months in great fear, I have not been truly living the life of love that I am called to. I’ve seen this lack of love manifested in incredible selfishness, uncharitable tendencies, and more.
Loving our Lord fully and fearlessly requires taking a terrifying risk: allowing yourself to fall for and follow Him without the guarantee that you won’t end up broken at some point along the road. His love asks us to give of ourselves freely and selflessly in a way that reflects the love He continues to show us. What is being asked of me is a greater surrender of my heart and its loves and desires into our Lord’s gentle hands. I need to allow myself to be filled more with His love so that I can properly love those in my life and do so freely and without fear.
May the Lord continue to draw us out of ourselves in a way that certainly involves a great risk, but ultimately teaches us to love and trust Him more. May His words always echo in our hearts and teach us how to live: Be not afraid.